Those 'AHA' Counseling Days

I had a counseling appointment today and I feel very inclined to share some of the things we talked about.

I tend to worry about talking in circles during therapy/counseling, even though I know that's what they are for. To get those persistent thoughts out of my mind and share them with someone who knows and is willing to listen and help. Yet, I still worry about them thinking I sound like a broken record.

Today, I spoke to my counselor about my fears of applying to a job. Now, this job would be seasonal and only for the summer (currently). But there's a pull inside of me that holds me back from actually applying or clicking that SUBMIT button on an application once I've finished filling out all of the important information. It is procrastination mixed with fear. I get a sense of accomplishment knowing I've filled all the information, so when I do get to that submit button, what do I do? I save the link or simply open another tab and do whatever it is I am doing to distract myself. Funny, isn't it?

NOT.

I realize this is something I have done for many years now, but I am more consciously aware of it now. (Is this my prefrontal cortex doing the work??) I realize that in order to save myself from rejection or not getting what I want - I come up with various excuses as to why I shouldn't or can't do what I want (self-limiting beliefs at its finest! :)) Because in a sense I'd much rather say that I did try but not fully commit to it. Which honestly doesn't earn me any brownie points at the end of the day. I just end up regretting my choices and going "why why why why why?"

But this is what my counselor told me:

You are scared.

You are scared of stepping out of your comfort zone.

You are afraid of change, even if it's a small change.

And she is totally right. It becomes paradoxical for me. I like change because it keeps me stimulated and it provides me with something new. Yet, when I feel like I am in charge of that said change, I wait until the very last minute to actually take action.

This is not the only area in my life it has impacted. The main one that is eating at me lately is the one where I want to move out from my family's house, yet I haven't and I know, deep down, it's because of my fear of change and being alone as an adult (for real this time).

My counselor told me, once again, that if I don't try - I will never know. That if I apply to that one job I have been returning to and thinking about a lot, I could either get a call back and get an interview or I won't get either, and that's OKAY.

I tend to do this thing called "catastrophic thinking" which is where I will think about any situation (that obviously hasn't happened) and think about so many catastrophic scenarios that I think will happen (what are we, futuristic mind-readers?). They call it this because we make a bigger deal of something that is all. made. up. in. our. heads. AND JUST SIT AND THINK ABOUT IT. We make this shi* up in our heads. FOR FUN? ¿POR QUE?

It's like "omfg I just made up a whole damn story in my head with characters that don't exist, saying things they probably never will, or thinking things they probably never will, and doing things they'll probably never do wtf." THAT'S ME WITH THE OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION :)

I'm at a stage of my life where I realize this is conditioned thinking and I have heard these thoughts or words stem from some important and influential person in my life - which, in turn, has majorly impacted the way I think and talk about myself and things I want to do for myself in the future. So, I am gradually learning to remove those thoughts by thinking more rational and honest thoughts - my own, not influenced by anybody else who isn't me.

With all of that being said, today's counseling session really made me reflect on myself as a person and how I shoot my own hopes and goals down before anybody else. And that's simply a no no. People can tell me I can't or won't do something, sure. But for me to be the first person to tell myself I can't or won't do something? NO. NO. NO.

So, here's how I'm feeling right now as I type this on my bed at 11:08pm... I can see this as a new chapter and new character for my story (what a cliche, but stick with me). Instead of adding more logs to the already burning fire (thank you to my counselor for this analogy) I will simply do it (apply) and let it go (waiting for a response, etc.).

I won't dwell on the fear of me starting a new job where I must be more sociable and in a completely different environment, I won't pre-assume the things people may say to me or the way they will act towards me, or blah blah blah.

I will simply apply, hope for the best, and let it go. AND, if I do get said job, it's like inviting a new character to the plot. A new character to the series, if you will. I could even name this new character something different and embody that character.

Because I am at a point where I am becoming sick of myself and bored of my repetitive life. So, I can add a little bit of fun to it. Remind myself that I'd much rather be uncomfortable now that I am young, than be uncomfortable later when I'm older and stuck in a habit that I didn't break when I was younger and could've (like literally right now). I must remind myself that this is all part of the plan, that I am in an uncomfortable space right now because I am taking too damn long to make a decision (what's new), but in the end - I can say that I did it, that I met good people, I made friends, I made memories, I made money, and that those 8 weeks went by so fast and I am so. dang. glad I applied.

REMEMBER REMEMBER REMEMBER REMEMBER REMEMBER:

Don't regret the things you do,

regret the things you didn't do.