Where's Laura?

Where have I been?

I couldn't possibly tell you. These past 5 months have felt like an absolute whirlwind. I have been here, there, honestly everywhere.

What I can tell you, though, is that I am not the same person I was last year.

Yeah, yeah. We all hear that cliche of "if you would have told me I'd be doing this a year ago, I wouldn't have believed you" but if you would have told me a year ago I'd be doing what I am doing, I wouldn't have believed you and probably would have cried in your face because I was hopeless.

Now, don't get me wrong. My current life isn't all butterflies and rainbows, but it IS much better than it was a year ago.

I have taken on several roles in my career for the past 6-7 months and now that I have had some down time, I reflect on all that I have done and completed and it has yet to sink in. I have propelled myself out of my comfort zone in a way I never thought I'd be capable of doing. For example, I took on 4 different jobs all at the same time. For the first few weeks, I regretted it all. I felt like I had put too much on my plate and was honestly considering dropping one of those jobs. However, I told myself to give it time. The nerves I felt were due to the fact I hadn't ever done something like that before - being on my own, making my own decisions, and truthfully, being an ADULT (YUCK!).

Yet, I did it. Was I stressed? Yes. Did I question my life decisions on a weekly almost every-other-day basis? Yes. Did I accomplish what I set out to do? Yes. Have I learned new things along the way? HECK YES. Most of all, I have learned that I am smarter and more creative than what I give myself credit for. All I need is a little encouragement; a little push.

Nevertheless, now that I have just a few days of downtime, I find myself questioning my life's purpose and my life path. I had therapy today. Let me preface this by saying that my therapist is one of those people you meet in your life that you'll never forget (in a good way).

I didn't expect for me to get emotional during therapy or anything like that, because I don't openly express my emotions nor do I want people to feel sorry for me. But, I cried...like 3 separate times. I explained to my therapist how lost, lonely, and out of sorts I felt. I expressed to her that I get triggered when people tell me I am at such a prime time of my life (24) and that I should be traveling and experiencing so many things and taking risks and blah blah blah. As if I don't inherently know that. As if my mind doesn't remind me of such things on a daily basis. Yet, I can't explain to people that I can't just pack up my stuff and dip. If I could, I would. Trust me. But there are several things that hold me back from doing so. Now, if you know you know and if you don't know, happy for you.

I am constantly reminded of all the things I can do or I am yet to do and all of those things hitting me at once do me no good. I am constantly seeing people my age or younger or even a few years older than me who have moved out of their hometown, who have a job that they enjoy and that pays them well, and people who are traveling abroad and living their best life even if it's a 'highlight reel' on social media. Regardless, I long for that. And I don't know if I long for it because I know I can't have it - to a certain extent. Here's the thing about being first generation, there really isn't anybody for me to look up to. There isn't one person who I can lean on, who I can ask to guide me, who I can ask for advice, etc. etc. because I personally don't have anyone close to me that can. I don't have the privilege to up and leave and go work or study abroad like other people I know of can. I simply can't. And that hurts. It makes me feel envious, resentful, and sad.

I'm taking on a new role in my job and even though that is supposed to make me feel joyful and proud of myself. I don't feel any of that, at the moment. Maybe in a few weeks or months, that'll change. But right now? I feel even more lost. I know I'll have job security which mends the nagging-voice inside of me. But I am constantly wondering if I am selling myself short. I am constantly wondering if I could do more, if I SHOULD do more. But there's that word, right? SHOULD. "Don't use the word should when talking about things you want to do" they tell you. But, we can't stop from doing so.

One of my biggest fears is being wasted potential. I am afraid of hitting a certain age and reflecting on my life and being like "oh crap...I didn't do that when I was young and had the ability to...I regret that now." And you hear it all the time, right? You hear people much older than you tell you "live your life!" "do it while you're young and able!" "experience as much as you can in your twenties!" "move away from your hometown! you won't grow there!" etc. etc. but you're still lost on WHAT it is you should be doing or afraid of not having that safety net. And that's all that it is at the end of the day, right?

Our comfort zone. Our safe space. My comfort zone is wrapped around me all nice and tight and although she has become loose these past couple of weeks, she still has a hold on me I wish she would release. I know our comfort zone is there for a reason; to keep us safe. But how do we decipher between keeping ourselves safe and simply self-sabotaging? That's the questions of the lost twenty-year-old, huh? I know that in order for one to experience new things and learn new things, you must TRY. Do it. You will never know what it's like unless you try.

Although I am not feeling my best at the moment, I do hope and pray that this new position allows me to learn more about myself, my work ethic, my values, my path, and allow me to learn new skills to utilize in my life and in the real world (yikes). I hope that this job puts me closer to what I will eventually end up doing; something that is in alignment with me and that makes me happy. I hope this job allows me to connect with people that are in alignment with my goals and my future - who I can seek help for my growth and learning.

I hope that in 6 months I am in a better place. I hope I have made plans to move out (or have done so already). I hope I am doing well at my job. I hope I am not stressed and have better stress management. I hope I have made new friends. I hope I am excited for my future. I hope I have a vacation planned (even for just the weekend). And most of all, I hope I am healthy - in all matters. I hope I am proud of myself, truly proud.

Here's to this next chapter of my life. Although an experimental chapter has ended, I am anxious for a new one to begin. What character facet will I unlock next? Guess we'll find out in a few weeks!

Hasta luego, amiga/os. :)