synchronicities

For the past year and a half, I have become quite a mini-philosopher.

I may have had these philosophical thoughts parading inside my brain since childhood and they have resurfaced only recently.

Have you ever had those moments where you are fully in the present and so self-aware of what is happening to you and around you? When a random thought comes into your head and it just clicks? Like the dots are finally connecting in some sudden, intricate way? I could write an entire novel about these.

There is something agonizing about healing that nobody truly mentions. Healing is not linear, that is a fact. There are high high's and low low's. There will be days or even weeks when you feel like you're at the top of the world and you never want that feeling to end. Then, there are other days or weeks full of resentment, unworthiness, annoyance, and loneliness that seem like the end all be all.

Throughout my healing journey, I have realized a myriad of things. I have learned that it is difficult to hear my own individual voice, because I have become the voices of all those around me. From parents, family members, friends, teachers, strangers, etc. The words they used around me, the feelings I felt, the way I perceived myself - have formed me into the person I am now. I am not proud of that. Because I feel like I don't know who I truly am.

But circling back to having those 'AHA' moments and seeing sudden synchronicities in our lives - within the past few days, I have noticed a shift in myself.

I have asked myself for over a year what my true purpose is. What is my meaning for life? What is my passion? What makes me stand out from the rest? What am I good at? WHO am I?

These past few days, it is as if my eyes have been peeled wide open and I am seeing certain signs and/or messages in my exterior world that I never (truly) noticed before.

I may not know the meaning of my life or my purpose in this life in this very current moment. But I HAVE come to realize what my passions are.

What lights me up?

What lights me up is writing, reading, talking, educating, partaking in discussions, doing things that are meaningful, music, visualizing, and being creative.

I have been a visualizer ever since I can remember. I visualize everything - from stories, music videos, performances, speeches, writing, etc. I am a creative through and through.

Yet, in this world we live in, it's difficult to simply be a creative without others feeling inclined to label you as just ONE thing and fitting you into this said box.

While growing up, we are conditioned to believe we must choose ONE thing to do for the rest of our lives and be pretty freaking good at it, and that's it (wipes hands). We are conditioned to believe we can only be one thing.

When that is so far from the truth. We are NOT just one thing. We are multi-dimensional people. We have several and unique interests, hobbies, values, morals, beliefs, backgrounds, and upbringings that shape us into the people we are at every single stage of our lives.

Regardless of how old you are and what stage of 'life' you are in, you will continue to discover so many aspects of yourself you didn't know you had or sought to have.

I am a multi-passionate person. A quote that truly embodies me is:

"A jack of all trades, and a master of none."

I enjoy doing several things, I KNOW how to do several things. Yet, I am not a master of just one thing. This has been my biggest existential crisis since graduating college. When filling out my resume, I feel like I am selling this version of myself - like I put myself into this box and that's how others will, inevitably, judge me and my knowledge and expertise (or lack thereof). They will see the degree I graduated with and will see me as just that. They won't see that I am adaptable, that I am a quick learner, that I am helpful and compassionate, that I enjoy doing various things, that I enjoy challenges, that I WANT to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, that I want to work somewhere that is aligned with my passions, that I want to do work that is truly meaningful and fulfilling.

And it sucks to continue going on with life as if this doesn't dread on us at least once in our lives. It hangs above me so heavily, some days more than others.

Suffice to say, we need more people talking about the healing process, being more mindful and noticing all the synchronicities around us, and breaking through that belief barrier that we can only do and be one thing in our lives and not strive to be so many things. We live several lives in one life.

P.S

I am currently reading 'The Midnight Library' by Matt Haig which, I know, is the reason for my posting this specific post. Occasionally, I have to stop reading in between chapters because I feel like I am about to have (yet another) identity crisis. Not only that, but Haig's philosophical views and prose cause me to think about my life, my choices, my regrets, and my future in a different light.

Keep an eye for that book review, because trust me, it will be a delightful (and a novel-length one).