WHAT IF

"What if this happened? I will be so upset." "What if they reject me and all the work I put into this?" "What if I go back and the same experiences/situations happen again?" "What if I am setting myself up for failure?" "What if this goes wrong?" "What if this doesn't go like I planned?" "What if I feel miserable doing xyz?"

If you've thought at least one of these, then this one's for you.

I have been known to be a pessimist-realist for most of my life. If you are into astrology, I would attribute this to my being a Capricorn. Being a Cap is NOT for the weak, that's for sure. I am the type of person who has high standards, expects a lot from myself and from others, who is hardworking, determined, ambitious, a dreamer, a go-getter, a social climbing whiz, etc.

My pessimist-realist perspective of life comes with its ups and downs, as do many things in life. However, I tend to swim in the negatives more than I do the positives. What comes with being me is having too much pride and always fearing the worst. Through therapy, I have learned that I am truly my biggest critic, dream-crusher, and big bully. Naturally, I have high expectations for myself and I have this visual of me having certain things and have reached certain milestones by a specific age. Yet, when I am in that age of my life and haven't reached or achieved what I expected to? It's like the end of the world with me. Considering I place a crazy amount of pressure on myself, one would think I'd be able to come back from curveballs and rejections quite easily, but that is not the case (unfortunately). I am incredibly impressionable. Meaning, I can hear, see, and be told something and that will stick with me for as long as I let it. I will ruminate on that thing for hours, days, weeks, months, years - depending on the situation.

And overwhelming and ruminating is my biggest weakness. I have heard about alchemizing our power and/or energy. That when you are feeling pressured, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. you should use that to motivate you to make a change or at least release your energy in a healthy manner. This year, 2022, has taught me so much about alchemizing my power. But it has also shown me just how impressionable, sensitive, critical, and prideful I am.

During counseling today, I learned a few important things about myself. See, this is what I find so particularly interesting about sharing my emotions, feelings, and thoughts with a professional - just by hearing myself talk out loud ends up in me realizing the toxic patterns and thoughts I place upon myself on a DAILY.

I am a visual learner, so my counselor used this to their advantage and drew a diagram on the whiteboard. They wrote three main themes they noticed throughout our session today - them being:

- history repeating

- wasting potential

- judgement

On the side, they wrote down: "Pride"

As they were going over the diagram, they mentioned that all 3 of my main themes during the time they have spoken with me, are all based on my pride. My pride is the foundation for my fears. And what are my fears? What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of history repeating itself.

I am afraid of wasting my potential and feeling stuck.

I am afraid of other's judgement.

My counselor specifically wrote down "I am afraid..." and listed my three big themes then had me speak them out loud and realize how they made me feel and what they made me think. First, I am afraid of doing something I said I would not do again in my life and history repeating itself (like having negative experiences, meeting negative people, re-experiencing traumatic events). Secondly, I am afraid of doing something I am not aligned with and feeling like I am wasting my potential. Thirdly, I am afraid of being judged by others in my past based on the decisions I make in my present and future.

Looking at this diagram made me think about how much I am stuck in the past. How much of my pride goes into all of these reoccurring, toxic patterns in my life. And truthfully, how I am my biggest bully. How I am single-handedly the only person who is holding me back from stepping out of that past trauma and moving tf on with my life.

There is a sense of embarrassment when you speak your truths out loud, but honestly, it may not even be an embarrassment. Once again, it could be our pride holding us back from realizing our deep truths. But that's genuinely who we are and what we must do in order to make a change within ourselves.

It's difficult for me to admit and accept the fact that I project my fears into my future. That I DO think in a lack mentality. That I DO tend to give up when something negative happens. That I do tend to take things to heart because I am impressionable and sensitive like that. That I do have ridiculously high expectations for someone who is in their early 20's and expects to already have royal status (that is the Capricorn in me). It is incredibly difficult for me to admit that I AM very negative and that I AM so mean to myself and I am the sole person who crushes my own dreams and light. You would think we'd be our biggest supporters - knowing everything we've been through and how we faced such adversities and how we've risen from heartbreaking, anger-inducing, and traumatic experiences from our past. Yet, it's like we blackmail ourselves into believing that just because one thing happened to us - it will happen again, because it already did once, right?

We are so afraid of doing something again or new, because our bodies REMEMBER how we felt when that something happened. We may not be able to memorize a situation or a feeling to the T, but our body has a stored memory. That is why when we think of a traumatic experience from our past, our body instantly goes into this sort of fight-or-flight mode. We do this naturally not knowing the negative repercussions it has to our emotional, mental, and physical health. It does us ZERO good to ruminate on the past and trying to avoid those scenarios and emotions in the future, but they are INEVITABLE.

In general, I realized today that I carry so much resentment and pride that I am not proud of. For me, the sky isn't the limit, it's much higher. Therefore, when I am not able to reach that high, I feel like an absolute failure and looked down at my previous achievements and successes. I am the only person who doesn't let me try new things because I am afraid of history repeating itself, of wasting my potential, of being judged, and because I am too dang prideful.

Yet, I am going to leave this for you and for me. My counselor told me that in order to change those negative and self-sabotaging beliefs, one must intentionally make it a habit to think positive thoughts.

If you are afraid of history repeating itself, why not think about how you make do that one thing again and a different, better experience may come from it?

If you are afraid of wasting your potential in whatever you choose to do, what makes you think your true potential won't suddenly arise from that 'worthless' thing you think you're doing?

If you are afraid of being judged, what if people simply DON'T CARE and/or are actually HAPPY for you?

If you are so prideful and want to have good things and be that higher version of yourself, why don't you give yourself the change to at least TRY new things your higher self will thank you for?

What if new and good learning experiences can come from you simply flipping that switch in your head? What if good things CAN happen?